I think this is often such a tricky conversation to be had, especially among Christian circles. It’s tricky because on one end, we teach “God never gave up on us, we must never give up on men”, and on the other end, we encourage “walk away if they are not treating you right”. The dilemma has caused a lot of people to endure what they should’ve walked away from, and for others, it’s caused them to walk away from what they could’ve worked to resolve.

The chances are that if you love a person, the option you’ll take is already rigged. You’ll think first to stay and help them change, than walk away from what you know isn’t right.

I’m here to make your decision much easier and I pray your heart is open and discerning as you read on.

The first and most important thing I need you to know is that humans do not have the capacity to change other humans. God made us with many characteristics and abilities, but the ability to change another man. Don’t ever be deceived to think you changed someone, someone can decide to change by your influence through the Holy Spirit, but will not change solely because of you.

When we factor this in mind, 2 things are made clear;

1. Change is the work of the Holy Spirit and not man, so without the Holy Spirit in a person, their change is left to chance, they might one day change, or they might never change.

2. We have the ability to inspire change in a person, but we have no monopoly of the effect or extent of that change. So again, it is left to chance. They can choose to be inspired, and they can choose against it. None is within your control.

So how do we know when to work through an issue with a person and when to walk away and not attempt changing them?

A. Is the change a negotiable or non-negotiable to you? Negotiables are things that are more preferred than a requirement. Non-negotiables are not about preference, they are requirements that determine a whole lot. Easy examples of negotiables are “they are not romantic”, “they prefer texts over calls”, “they’re more quiet than you’ll like”, they talk a certain way etc. Non-negotiable examples are they are unbelievers, they subject you to physical violence, they subscribe to sexually impure ways that bring you to compromise yourself, they can ghost you without fear of consequence, they are tone deaf to your complaints, they gaslight you before they accept faults, they treat you like an option and let you know, they belittle you and critique you before they compliment. These are only but a few examples. You must assess whether the point you hope they change is a negotiable or a non-negotiable. If it is the latter, no matter the love you apply, you will only frustrate your efforts and amplify your compromises to your values. Walk away.

B. Have you initiated dialogue about it and they have made no effort to change? One thing that is very easy to spot is effort. When there is effort you will know, when the person could care less, you will also know. If your dialogue often falls on deaf ears, that is another cue for you to realise that your love is only enabling them and not changing them. Important to note here that our partners will not be perfect. They will have things we’ll like to see them change and grow in, but the difference we’ll see is the effort they put to adjust to accommodate our desires. If you see no effort, don’t turn to prayer, just walk away. Sometimes people can love you but not love you enough, and by that I mean that they can appreciate the idea of you but your presence is not conviction enough for them to change something you pointed out. People like that will often meet the ones they truly love and you’ll see how easy they’ll adjust their lifestyle on request of the partner in question. Don’t settle for love that is only to an extent. Go for the one that is whole and thorough! Like the one you experience with Abba.

C. Have you started to blame yourself and make excuses for them? One of the easiest signs of emotional abuse is an inability to see the wrong of the other person. There is a healthy requirement as believers to always look within first, but it gets unhealthy when we are with people who constantly make us feel that we are the only ones with the problem. It is only a matter of time before you internalise it and only blame yourself when things go wrong. When this is the case, the only option you begin to see is to love them by waiting for a change, when you should be refuting substandard love and walking away. The moment you feel defeated to even acknowledge wrong that a partner has done to you, that is your cue to recognise the coming emotional abuse and mitigate in advance by walking away.

I know that time and emotional investments often make it so hard for us to walk away. We choose rather to stay and fight despite knowing the battle is lost already. I’ll like you to consider that marriage is where you have full licence to be dogged in loving your partner to change, any level of relationship before marriage does not have that licence, and so you should not commit to a person beyond the level you both are in. If you have the option to walk away now, please don’t be scared, remember that if love should feel like anything, it should be safe, warm and free.

Anything that challenges any of the above three should not be condoned. Don’t gaslight yourself to stay in fear of not finding someone else. Sometimes you don’t even realise the substandard love you’re experiencing until you’ve walked away.

Receive boldness today.

To you who is hoping for a change in your partner over a non-negotiable thing, think up practical ways you can support them in that change, remember to pray for them often, but above all, remember to be patient. You don’t expect them to unlearn in 2 years, what they’ve done all their lives. 1 Corinthians 14 tells us that love “believes, hopes, perseveres”. As long as it is a negotiable thing and they are putting visible effort to change, stay believing, hoping and persevering. At the end of marriage we should look more like God, the perseverance is part of the making process.

Don’t try to change anyone who doesn’t want to change.

Don’t try to change anyone set in their ways.

Don’t abuse your love by applying it where is it not acknowledged or appreciated.

See you at Day 5🫶🏽