One of the best parts of love is just how unique it is. The characteristics could be the same, but the expressions are always at the mercy of the parties involved.

Every couple gets a clean slate to curate their expressions of love, not necessarily the characteristics or components of love, but its diverse expressions. This is why comparison and competition is a thief of joy in love. No one can do it exactly like you and your partner and you also can’t do it like that couple you both admire. You can learn and adapt, but that the expressions will be same is impossible.

When I met Nelson I was so taken aback with how expressive he was. At first it was with his words, but as we moved past friendship and started courting, I could also see it in his actions too, much more now in marriage. For me, despite being extroverted, I had always been a shy lover, but meeting my introverted husband then and getting to see just how expressive he was/is, I was totally in awe.

It took us several years of intentionally learning each other’s expressions of love. My husband will say it and show it so fully, I mostly showed it, but he wanted to hear it too.

Loud and quiet lovers look like;

⁃ Someone wants the relationship private, the other wants the world to know

⁃ Someone says “I love you” at any opportunity, the other shows it in kind and presence

⁃ Someone wants a quiet birthday, the other wants to go all out

⁃ Someone wants a wedding strictly by invitation, the other wants a carnival

– Someone likes to dress down comfortably, the other would prefer dress up elegantly

These are differences that could exist between couples, and you’ll find that they’re more negotiables than non-negotiables, but despite being negotiables, they have the potential to cause a lot of friction between two people who don’t learn to navigate the decisions in such a way that no one feels violated.

So how do we navigate this difference between loud and quiet lovers without causing friction?

1. Accept the other person as they are. Remember what we talked about in Day 4? the inability of a man to change another man?. It is relevant here too. Don’t try to rewire your significant other if you find that their expressions of love differ largely from yours. It’s okay to learn how they express it and begin to adjust to read it as it comes.

2. While the other is working to adjust and meet you in the middle, don’t be too rigid in your expressions of love. Learn how your partner wants to be loved and make adjustments to accommodate their needs. If they want to post about you guys, agree on limits rather than completely refuse them. If they want large celebrations, remember it’s only for a day. You can interchange bigger and smaller parties each year.

3. Communicate your why to your partner. Tell them why you’d rather have a quiet birthday. Tell them why you’d prefer a quiet courtship. Sometimes the friction arises when there are answers without explanations. Tell your partner the why behind your preferences.

4. As your partner makes effort to communicate their why, I need you to know that their why most times could simply be “that’s just me” and it should be valid. We’re built differently and have different preferences, part of coming together is a healthy balance of accepting each other while hoping for a better them in whatever area. No matter the state you meet your partner, there is a better version of them at the end of your patience, love, hope, endurance and trust.

5. Finally, use the differences as ways of completing each other, rather than as grounds for friction. My husband is very introverted, and while I’m not very extroverted, I am a lot less introverted than he is. In almost two years of marriage I’ve learnt to sit more with my thoughts, spend more time with myself and engage my inside much more than my environment. I’ve learnt from him the true beauty of introspection and solitude and he’s also learnt to be more conversational, more open to start a discussion, more open to outside hangouts. We’ve both learnt from each other and greatly adjusted in our dispositions. Nelson is also largely a host person, because he would rather be inside, he would rather host people than meet them outside, on the contrary, I wouldn’t opt to host first. For two main reasons, asides from the fact that I grew up in a house where visitors came almost everyday unannounced, I also just preferred to meet people outside. But since marrying Nelson. I’m hosting people a lot more and he’s also learning to accommodate me when I request we meet people outside rather than have them over. It’s been a journey here but it’s so beautiful to see how much we’ve both morphed and have learnt each other’s languages on a lot of things.

The differences in marriage are a two-edged sword. You get to use it to mend or break your union and I hope you choose the former because underneath those differences are opportunities for teaching, learning and growth.

I’ve grown so much in marriage and I know there is still room for more. It helps to approach marriage with a flexible lens, rather than being so rigid.

In the end, whether loud or quiet lover, your significant other must know you love them. They must never be in doubt of it.

See you at Day 7!🌹