Heal and shift

I have been on one of Karen’s Kingsbury’s special, ‘When joy came to say‘.

I don’t take a long time with reading novels as I do with inspirational and spiritual books, but this novel has taken quite some time, having me stop, think, reflect and relate with some of the characters of the book and frankly, it has been heart wrenching. Anyone who reads Karen on a regular knows how her writing touches always the deepest parts of you, without her even trying too hard.

A woman had a past of which she managed to completely clean before she got married, she didn’t bother so share this horrid past with new hubby because it was now what it was, the past and it didn’t matter any more. They were both leaders in church and parents to the most adorable twin baby boys and then several years into this beautiful family, flashbacks start coming to her. She can’t make much sense of the flashbacks but one thing she’s certain of is the affiliation this has to the past she closed several years ago.

So what does she do? she gets scared because the hallucinations start getting overbearing, shes now caught doing things that could jeopardise her career as a top class columnist as a result of the hallucinations.

Her husband notices these changes so he starts to probe like the caring and supportive husband he is, but she shuts him out completely, convinced that he does not deserve a woman like her because of her past and does not deserve also the shame he could face should whatever it is be brought to light.

So one day, as her husband is away at work, she packs up her bags, leaves a note saying where she’s going and she checks herself into a psychiatric home, convinced that her hallucinations had become hazardous to her and the people around her. She gave clear instructions that she wanted no call or visit from any family member, particularly her husband and just asked to be alone, attending her rehabilitation classes till she got better.

On the flip side, hubby gets home to a quiet house, cause his wife successfully managed to give their kids to social services under the disguise that she is mentally unstable and so, they took the children without much questioning. He finds her wardrobe cleaned out and the note she’s left him and his heart can’t take it so he sits there on that spot, cries out his heart and stays playing with thoughts of how his marriage went from 100 – 0 with no warning and no reasons why.

I’m still on the book so I don’t know yet the ending but this plot isn’t too far from the realities I’ve been hearing about and dealing with. On the side of ‘do I need to tell my partner everything about my past?’ and ‘what if I deal with pain silently?’. This blog post is more on the dealing with pain, than the revealing your past to your partner.

People around us always suffer when we decide to be selfish. I imagine the tragedy to come in this book because of the protagonists decision to withhold her past from the people who love her, including her husband. I imagine the plot twist of what he will be forced to do and think because his wife has left him to go a mental home with no explanation as to why and even refuses to see him.

No matter how private you are, you need to know that your behaviour and response to pain has domino effects on those closest to you however little, I think young people need to start learning more how best to deal with pain rather than just closing a chapter on it without dealing with it adequately.

Subsequently we’ll talk about the letting your partner in on every detail of your past that has a potential to resurface at any point in your life, however insignificant you think it is.

We’ve grown learning that pain goes with time, and that’s true to an extent, but not when we haven’t fully healed, if not, at the slightest pop up of something related, we’ll be overwhelmed by the flood of thoughts from what we once thought was dead and gone.

STOP HIDING YOUR PAIN, STOP DEALING WITH YOUR PAIN ALONE, STOP PRETENDING THAT A WOUND IS HEALED WHEN IT IS ONLY COVERED.

Heal first, then shift.

pain

Moments of Truth – Arranged Marriages?

arranged

An interesting part of being a blogger is that you don’t know all the people who read your blog and so it makes meeting new people interesting, like when they start conversations with a title to a blog post or simply a line from your blog post. It’s really heart warming until it is one of those write ups you made hoping no one would ever speak about in real life. For me, it’s even more interesting cause my mum also follows and engages with posts and some days, she brings them up when we have conversations which sometimes can be very hilarious.

This is one of such blog posts, that hopefully remain in the eyes of readers and never as a topic of conversation should we ever meet! (Nah, i’m kidding).

I can be a very oblivious person although people find this hard to believe, my meticulous-ness doesn’t have part 2, it only extends to a certain level and stops there, I think it is also dependent on the topic at hand because I realise the attention I pay to some books I read is not equal to come conversations I have, and it makes sense right? that some things will spark your interest and others wouldn’t.

A friend of my Dad started to visit our home very often, himself and my dad had gone through university together and they were quite close to it made sense how when my dad was ill, he would visit that often, that’s how far my mind thought of it. He was one of Daddy’s besties!

Fortunately or unfortunately for me, each time he came around I would be the first person to see him when he came through the door and he’ll follow with some kinds of questions that should really only be asked by people you’ve built a certain level of relationship with, but he was daddy’s Bestie so I assumed he paid my life the same attention as he did my dads.

One day he came and asked to have a picture with me and of course I obliged, I was returning to school the next two weeks and it was normal for my family to keep pictures of every and anybody we knew so I assumed it was same with him.

Another day he was asking me who ‘Mr Rubie’ was and one time, it was my dad speaking to me about marrying between families who already know themselves.

Speaking very generally about this, like I was 4 or something lol! When this started, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and I marvelled at how blind and silly I had been.

We like to think that arranged marriages are a thing of the past and long gone and dead but I think young ladies and gentlemen around the world are still faced with it only on an upgraded and less obvious manner, our Parents love us and want the best for us, that much is obvious, but sometimes, in a bid to make sure we’re making the best decisions they end up out-rightly making the decisions for us which in the long run might be detrimental to us.

While we honour and respect them, lets remember they’re also humans with feelings and as such, God’s will must reign supreme in any decisions we get to make.

#NoToModernArrangedMarriages hehe!

Check out the last #MomentsOfTruth blogpost.

Godly relationships pt 2

deep

This is a follow up post from the previous Moment of truth post and it came as an inspiration that led me to think deeply about something after reading a comment from a friend, Kristy, on the previous blog post.

Kristy said that “Not every deep relationship needs to be romantic”, and I think reading it at first glance echos truth for a lot of us because we might think of it on the surface level, so now please, re-read and understand more and not just on the surface level.

If you’ve done that, you’ve probably still come to the same conclusion, that Kristy is right, spot-on even, but here’s the twist; For we as Christians, most, if not all our relationships are deep, so it amplifies more the accuracy of Kristy’s statement.

God never mirrored shallow, depth-less relationships and even when he just met a new person, there was really no shallowness, take the Samaritan woman at the well for example, He met her and immediately reached depths with her as a result of His personal interaction with the Holy Spirit which gave Him insight to even her past.

Here’s why we cant even have shallow relationships; we have to be able to connect with people on a personal level. Jesus spoke to people about their past, He healed people of their diseases and illness of the moment, He saved a woman from being stoned to death in the moment and He also provided wine in a wedding where wine had run out.

Do you notice how unique and personal each of these are? Even if you wanted to look at the times when people in their masses received salvation, it was only because they had heard Jesus say something that was personal to them and as such, they believed!

This is why we cant entertain shallowness. It keeps us from reaching the depth of a person and that is what Jesus is after.

Hence, Kristy’s statement that ‘not every deep relationship needs to be romantic’, is true, but we must now approach the question of what happens if all our relationships are deep? Does it mean that my romantic relationship would emerge from one of my deep friendships?

Well, I honestly don’t know, but here is what I know, as Christians, we operate beyond the physical, the emotional and even the psychological, we’re moved and led by the Spirit of God in us bearing witness with our own Spirit, so even when we have all the deep relationships in the world, when the time for romance or an eros relationship comes, the Holy Spirit is also there to guide us in. He never leaves us thinking and turning on ‘who to pick’ or ‘where to go’.

He comes with a precision that transcends human calculation and logic, so Dear Christian, don’t be scared of  building relationships beyond the surface. It does not stop you from identifying the bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh, contrary to popular opinion.

However, here’s the caveat, for some people, this can be a defence mechanism against sexual immorality and sin and as such, if it is, please carry on in your shallow relationships until you’re strong enough to handle deep without pushing for eros unless led by God.

Anything that will tamper with your personal relationship and growth with God, please ignore.

High Standards?

Hey ladies, this one is for you! *wink*

Is there really such a thing as having standards that are ‘too high’?, I’ve had numerous conversations with Ladies and Gentlemen in our generation and all too often I hear someone say that one of the problems with ladies in this generation is that “their standards are too high”.

Lets backtrack even, do you have standards? when it comes to friendship as well as relationship?

By standards,we mean, are there things, attributes or characteristics you’re looking out for in a person that might qualify them to be ‘potential’ for you?

Reminds me of this one time I was having a conversation with my mum and aunt and I remember I said ‘Mummy I don’t think I can marry a man who’s house is not as big as ours’.

A loud burst of laughter followed from my audience after my verbal display of, I dare say folly, and frankly speaking, thinking back myself, I can’t believe I said that.

My mum followed with a conversation of how it was not always like that for them and how they didn’t start off in the house we currently live in, mind you, it was not like I didn’t already know this.

I was definitely young, naive and very foolish to have thought that way, talk more less of made the statement. But hey, there’s no denying that there are so many of us out there who have such superficial standards, e.g. the size of the house/car, the prestige that comes with the job, the dress sense and height, and for me, at some point in my life, it was even about his mannerism with written English and oral speech. LOL!

I’m not trying to be annoying right now, but truthfully, a lot of women in our generation would have chosen The Nicodemus over The Jesus in the bible, based on the standards we hold now. (You’re able to click on their names to read about Nicodemus and Jesus in the bible, but in a nutshell, Nicodemus was this rich member of the Sanhedrin, that I think was handsome, and Jesus is the Saviour of the world who lived His life per moment.

Am I saying standards are wrong or shouldn’t be high? At all!

As a matter of fact, I am an avid supporter of having standards for any and everything, It helps us not to settle, but here’s the carveat though, your standards cannot, and should not be based or affiliated with superficial things. We cannot judge a person based on things that don’t matter in eternal life.

Don’t get me wrong, we are human beings with preferences, but we would usually adopt those preferences that best appeal to our flesh and our convenience, which is normal, were human.

I listened to a message once and I sadly don’t remember who said it but the preacher said  that “God is not committed to making a person into what you want, He’s committed to making people who He wants them to be”, frankly, this might not tie in totally with what you want, and in His words, ‘It is what it is’.

The solution I discovered to this is to think eternity, think Kingdom, think lasting, think godly. A lot of things are completely eliminated when we see that they don’t tally with what God also would look for in a person.

Can I just say, this is no license to be with someone you are not attracted too, whether physically, mentally or spiritually. It is more to steer us to think and see things the way God does and not as the world does.

A lot of you might have to re-write you standards list, God might be altering your TDH  (Tall, Dark and Handsome) definitions. LOL!

But here’s why there’s rest in this, Our God knows best, but that doesn’t even make me as happy as also knowing that He wants whats best for Us. Me and You.

When you re-write this list, (if you feel a need to), when next someone tells you ‘Your standards are too high’, the gif below is the best response.

shrug

*wink*.

Another Wife

pilate wife

Very often we come across yet another overlooked person in the bible, not because we intentionally decide not to acknowledge them, but they don’t appear to do the things we dim ‘uncommon or miraculous’.

There’s no shame or shade to anyone really, it is just the human nature that is making us aware of its presence, like we can notice it any less, by making us acknowledge people based on what we think is inspiring or out-of-this-world amazing.

It is the best thing to know that God does not think like us or see things the way we do.

Pontius Pilate’s wife is named in just one verse in the entire bible, just a flash in and flash out stuff, and yes, she really was not named by her name, but referred to as the wife of Pontius Pilate, like The sinful woman and also The woman with the issue of blood.

It is very easy to rush through that verse and not give attention or spare a thought for this woman but yesterday, for the first time, I stopped to imagine how this amazing woman broke a record of being named in just a verse of the bible and yet showing one of the greatest faith, courage and believe you could have seen anywhere else.

Pilate had just received Jesus and was tasked to release one prisoner like he did annually, he knew in his heart that Jesus was innocent, but he could not understand why the people wanted to get rid of Him so badly.

In the midst of his dilemma, word comes from his wife via a messenger saying; “Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him”.

There’s no indication that these people were Christians, to be fair, Christ had not even died so they hadn’t been given a reason to believe, however, God’s Spirit was at work even among those people before Jesus died. You can see it in all the events before the birth of Jesus, at His birth and even all the way leading to the cross.

As I meditated on this woman yesterday, I felt The Holy Spirit open my eyes to see how her flash appearance in the bible honoured God as well as her role as a help-meet.

She must have been a very sensitive, obedient and truthful wife.

I think it is also important to note the days she lived in, wives were more like property to their husbands, they didn’t have a say when it came to the ‘serious’ discussions of society, but we see a different relationship that existed between Pilate and His wife. The free communication, the effrontery she had to send in word to her husband at such a critical time and the conviction with which she said what she said.

In that moment, I see that she fulfilled her purpose of her existence and the purpose of her calling as Pilates wife.

It doesn’t seem so glamorous isn’t it? I mean Deborah was a whole Judge of Israel, Esther was the queen who saved her people, Ruth was the one who stuck with her mother-in-law till the very end, and Pilate’s wife just merely expresses her concern to an action her husband is about to take.

It opens our eyes to understand that God does not weigh what He has called you to do against anything or anyone else, He weighs it with the willingness with which you accept and execute the calling.

Almost ‘I do’

rejection

My friend who was set to get married next year had his engagement called off by his girlfriend of 2 years and fiancee of 1 year.

She requested for a time off to pray for a while and came back 2 weeks later, returning the ring, informing him that this was not Gods plan for them. She waited 2 weeks to the introduction to do this and called it off.

I ended up with the broken heart and confusing questions because I did not know what to say to him, all I could do really was ‘Be there’, and I was ‘there’ virtually. If that even counts.

The best time to see those strong friends is when they’re heart broken. Honestly, another side of them shines through, a side that is not very pleasant or good to see. He seemed helpless, sad and very angry, and I couldn’t say I understood, but I attempted placing myself in his shoes and felt really horrible.

It was down memory lane the night he called to break the news to me and so, as you would expect I had many questions.

I might add at this juncture that he is a very sound Man of God, whatever this means to you. They had prayed severally before getting into the relationship and even getting to the phase they were in when all of it came crashing down.

He had lots of questions. I also had loads of questions and so we sat exchanging questions and just really praying for comfort, but even more understanding.

I remain assured of one thing, God is not a Liar. God did not lie and He definitely did not mislead. It might be a delay, and it just might also be a closed door which means someone didn’t hear God clearly.

From the whole ordeal, I’ve had a couple of lessons I wanted to share and I hope it edifies you as much as it did as it came to me.

  • When something has not gone the way God told us it would, it’s not the time to start doubting and questioning Him. It’s time to pray for understanding and search inwardly.
  • When God speaks, listen wholly and fully, and not in part or pick out what you want to hear and leave the rest.
  • Gods hand will never lead you where His grace is not, so as we pray for the open doors and accept it, we should equally accept the closed doors as His will.
  • God is breeding patience in us with every trial we face in life.
  • Don’t expect God to speak differently to you from the usual ways He speaks when it comes to the life partner decision. He won’t automatically change the way He speaks just for that decision.
  • God comforts us through life. He is not unaware or unbothered by the things that hurt us, so don’t think He is absent through the storm.

In the end, It will be well.

 

Michal

Ideally we should remember Michal as the wife of David but more than half of the time, shes either not named or named last as David’s wife. Ironically she was the first woman David married.

Michal definitely suffered some deep emotional trauma because the bible expressly describes how she loved David, but not once did it mention how David loved his wife, so similar to Potiphar’s wife, she was in a situation that definitely was not favourable but still did not justify her actions.

She was also not mentioned a lot in the bible but the few chapters she appeared in were either sad or scary.

We never see it this way but Michal had the opportunity to be the woman after God’s heart. She was married to the man after God’s heart regardless of the situation leading to their marriage, so nothing could’ve stopped her really, but we see that her love for David was actually a hazard to her love for God and her ability to sense situations clearly and without prejudice.

She was obsessed with this man named David and the obsession started long before they were joined together in Marriage.

Her lesson was a powerful one for me personally because sometimes, we excuse some things we adore in our lives because they are good or right but we forget that the moment we place anything above or on the same pedestal with God and/or our relationship with Him, we’ve set ourselves up for a disaster.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman loving her husband like she did or with a child adoring his mother or with a student working to get to the apex of their academics or career.

These things in themselves are very good but when we begin to move things in our life to rotate around any of them, we miss the goodness it could bring to us like the way Michal met and loved (goodness) but ended a tragic way.

Michal’s story taught me to know God for myself and LOVE Him, I dare say the extent to which Michal loved David.

#Michal #BadGirlsOfTheBible #Love

poisonous love