Earlier this week I got a question from one of the ladies in the Foch woman community who is also a friend, I love when people reach out to me with questions, asides from the fact that it forms the #questionAnsweringFridays on our Instagram page every Friday, it also allows my posts be a lot more practical and i’m grateful for that because I can be a very theoretical person.
She wanted to know how Christian couples could express intimacy with each other without being sinful and I thought it made complete sense that she’d think this way because she didn’t want to do it like everyone else in the world, she wanted to do it the God-way and I always respect that.
I started by asking her, her definition of intimacy and after she was done, I also shared my understanding of it. Because I did not take permission from her to share her views, i’ll only share mine and only make reference to some things she said that are more objective.
So intimacy for me is knowing someone fully and being fully known by them. So there is no intimacy if the knowing is only from one side and is not reciprocated, intimacy is built when both parties are involved in knowing. I had to link it back to our relationship with God because for me, that’s where everything stems from. By default, God knows us completely, we’re fully known by God because He created us, but even at that, we are not intimate with Him until we ourselves come to know Him completely. Now, every human desiring to know God in growing each day in intimacy with Him, because the more you know Him, the more intimate you become with Him, from the definition we established at the beginning of knowing fully and being known fully.
Bringing it back to relationships, the highest level of intimacy cannot be attained because you cannot fully know a person by simply being in a relationship with them. You know how God uses Himself and the church to define the model of marriage? that shows us the level of intimacy that is only seen and experienced in that institution. The bible says that we should abide in Him and He in us, it is only in marriage that this is made possible, because as described in the bible, a man and woman become one flesh. No longer 2 entities in the spiritual realm, so marriage affords the two people involved the liberty to know each other COMPLETELY. (cute, I know) lol
So, in our relationships leading to marriage, the truth is, we might never attain the highest level of intimacy, we should not even aim to that to be honest, in those relationships until we cross into Marriage, but it’ll be hypocritical to suggest that 2 people in a relationship do not, or should not share a level of intimacy.
But here’s the thing, we all have varying thresholds for intimacy, some people are perfectly fine holding hands, some could lock up in tight embraces, others could lean on each other without feeling certain tingles or desiring more or thinking lustful thoughts, for others, anything beyond holding hands might be too great for their threshold and so we see that it varies with person.
Being a woman, I can also speak for women on certain sensitive parts of our body, like the waist, arms, lower back and thighs, contact with either of these parts of your body could really be you pushing it and really, that’s not what a godly couple should be aiming for.
I said to her that herself and her godly partner need to talk about what works best for both of them, so that one persons threshold is not leading the other person to sin and vice versa, from this knowledge they could build boundaries around their intimacy which is so important for any relationship, I don’t care how holy you think you both are.
I didn’t mention kissing intentionally because I don’t believe that can be someones threshold or boundary for intimacy because as they say ; It is from clap that dance starts. Kissing for me is really just putting your flesh to the test and the flesh is always ready to show us that it won’t be violated intentionally.
Godly relationships do not have to be void of intimacy, but your intimacy must be glorifying God and must not be sinful, we all know ourselves and one of the beautiful things about the Holy Spirit is that He leads us to truth, even to ourselves, if one knows that even holding hands would trigger lustful desires and thoughts, such a person will know to abstain and the partner in question must be honouring of God and the other person and respect that, so that the other person does not fall.
You find that most christian couples would rather just abstain completely from physical contact and I personally find it wise and funny but i’m respectful of peoples principles and boundaries and if that keeps them holy and in-check, please lets ride on!