As a result of how reflective I am, I find that I document a lot, keeping time stamps, notes or pictures of some of the most random events in my life, because I know my mind will cast back to it one day, and when that day comes, I usually want to remember in full detail, rather than just the surface of the event. Like today, looking through my journal and notes, seeing random events of the last year, it does something to my heart, and I know I’ll be doing this for the rest of my life because we can only be grateful for the things we remember.

It’ll be a year in matrimony tomorrow (at-least legally). A year that has seemed both so familiar and strange all in the same beat. As I looked through the journal earlier, my mind made notes of some key points I’d love to share with you, not as points of advice, much more as points of reflection, because reflection will cater for the idiosyncratic nature of relationships. Bringing wisdom to you based on your own unique situation.

So in one year in union with Nelson, here’s just a few of the meditations of my heart.

1. Make sure you’re always able to confidently say “I chose this for myself”. The beauty of love is in that ability to choose. The reason Gods love for us is so palpable and genuine is because He CHOSE to love us. Jesus ended up on the cross, not by compulsion or intimidation, but by choice, knowing fully well He could’ve requested a legion of angels or disappeared from the crucifixion scene, as He had done in the past. But He stayed and went through with taking on our sins because He chose to. Everyday of the last year, in all the vary of emotions I’ve felt, every time I remember that I chose this, there’s some peace and assurance that comes, especially because I didn’t choose by myself, I did as led by Gods spirit in me. So, in the end, after all said and done, make sure that you’re able to beat your chest and say “I chose this for myself”, if you think like this, it’ll help you eliminate any internal or external pressures that could influence or alter your choice.

2. You get to determine the ‘when’ – my mum was 21, and my dad 23 when they met in law school and got married, maybe for their time it could be said to be normal, but we aren’t core northerners with that culture of really early marriage, and my parents were educated, and were able to make that decision of their own volition. Me Getting married at 24 actually seemed late, based on what I had known as early marriage which was my parents, so when people asked how I felt being married early, I have to remind myself and them that our definitions of early and late vary largely. Age wasn’t on the table for Nelson and I, wasn’t something I remember us talking about in-depth really, the focus was on our present realities, goals and most importantly, what God was saying per time. At some point you’ll have to drop the sentiments around age and decide to do things because God says go and the season you’re in supports it. We probably would’ve got married earlier in different circumstances cause I met Nelson at 19, but it was my parents desire that I finish school before marriage and that happened. There’s no awards for early or late marriages, there’s just benefits and consequences of working and non-working marriages, so shift your gaze from time, focus on value.

3. Make sure you feel safe even before you feel loved – one of the most precious things of life that we aren’t conscious to celebrate enough is security, I wrote a little piece on an aspect of security in marriage last week (here). Everyday we see, meet and hear about people with all kinds and expressions of trauma and we don’t know that it could be attributed to little or faulty security in their past or present, whether emotional, mental or physical security. There’s the innate desire of every man to feel accepted in the place he dwells, acceptance of his speech, emotions, feelings, thoughts and actions, and really if there’s one thing you want to be 100% certain of in a home you’ll be in forever, it’s security. Security to be who you are without fear, guilt or prejudice. This doesn’t substitute your desire to grow and become better but it assures you that through that process of growth, you’re safe there, and so are your opinions, thoughts and actions, especially on the days you unintentionally slip up. The last year didn’t feel like a feat or performance to me on reflection, it felt like living another year in my life, but with a significant other. Nelson allows me to be, and I celebrate that daily. Don’t compromise this, make sure you feel secure enough to be before whoever you commit forever to.

4. Protect the bubble for as long as you can – I love that we fostered a private courtship throughout our 5 years of courtship. It built convictions and truth that we’re riding on now that we’re in matrimony. Everyone reserves a right to decide the kind of courtship they want, but the pros of a bubble with you, your significant other and God far outweighs just existing in the midst of everyone. Important to guard what you’re building from the beginning. Let your convictions be word and godly counsel based. Be intentional about who has both your ears.

5. Make predictions with good levels of certainty – Love indeed is a risk, no guarantee of anything, but make sure you have peace with whatever level of certainty you’re able to predict from the point of taking the risk. I remember sitting at my bridal shower and being asked how I felt about the wedding in two days, and I replied truthfully saying ‘all I feel is peace and certainty of what I’m about to do’. This hasn’t wavered in any day of the last year, if anything, everyday I experience new peace and the certainty grows. Take the risk with love but please, let the predictions you make be one you’re at peace with in the moment. Potential is great, but reality is even better.

6. Belly-hurting laughter – We’ve played like toddlers in the last year. Literally; ran around the house, water fights, race to the front door, first to finish their food, anything you can think about. I guess the pros of ‘marrying while much younger’ that’s rarely talked about because you have more energy and time. You don’t just want a prayer partner and goal teammate, you also want a play mate.

7. Catching them up on your years on earth before you met – I thought five years was a long enough time to learn everything about Nelson and his past, but this first year of marriage, I’ve heard and learnt even much more about all the years he existed before we met. It brings perspective to his person, values and convictions, it also helps to form deeper bonds, cause you hear things that probably only their minds ever knew. I now listen to music by Coldplay, James Taylor and John Denver because those are a few of Nelsons fave and in the last year I’ve listened to them more than I care to admit.

8. Learning to disagree well – Even five years is not enough time to learn a person completely, so for the points and thoughts that crept up in the last year that we had differing opinions on, it was such an experience to learn to present points and hear Nelsons points without ending in conflict. With the strong personality I have, this is where I’ve experienced the deepest and biggest growth.

9. Giving all of you – I grew up in a very close knit family, I wasn’t sure there were closer heights beyond what I grew up in, but I’ve seen in the last year what it means to be close knit. The closeness you’ll have is heavily dependent on the extent you give of yourself to the other. The oneness the bible speaks of concerning marriage is truly a mystery that we’ll only continue to uncover as we journey the earth.

10. Finally and most importantly, Don’t forget the third person in the union – that we don’t get to do marriage alone, and have divinity present in the union as believers is something we should celebrate more. It’ll surprise you to see the impact of the flesh if not under authority. The last year has left me at my most vulnerable before the Holy Spirit because I’ve seen myself in lights I’d never seen before. It’s opened my relationship with Him to new dimensions and allowed me encounter Him in fresh ways. I’ve learnt and understood so much about the trinity in the last year because I’ve got to live out the same relationship between Christ and His church. A deeply humbling reality that feels me with so much joy.

So, in one year, I’ve grown and matured and i’m so much better for it, thanks to Gods man I’ve been blessed with, but also the Holy Spirit still at work in both of us. The first year has been such a beautiful foundation for the coming years and I’m excited and humbled by the people I get to co-build with.

Hope this brings your heart to ponder and reflect, and as it does, say a prayer for Nelson and I, thank Him for us, because in this one year, we judge Him FAITHFUL.