I remember a time I went to Nigeria for holiday, Nelson and I had started courting, and the night before I left Abuja, he had flown in from Lagos to say goodbye because early that morning I left him a text saying “I wish I could see you one last time before I left”.

Didn’t think he would take me seriously enough to get a ticket just to see me that night and get back the following morning in time for work, but he did. It was one of those nights I had further settlements of the forever we were going to face together. I’ll forever brag and teach of intentionality and effort in courtship relationships because I saw it first hand, in word and deed.

That night he arrived and he came to my house and asked my parents if he could take me for ice cream, knowing the effort of flying in, against my usual curfew, my parents let me go and advised we don’t stay too long.

Nelson had invited another friend to come with us, because of earlier rules we had made with regards being out alone at night, even if we wanted some us time, we realised we couldn’t be too careful with how attracted we were to each other already. So we all had ice cream together and an hour later, we were back to the front of my parents house. Just Nelson and I in the car.

I still can’t fully explain the energy that was in the car, I started to feel cold and hot at the same time, I wasn’t thinking straight and I could tell it was just as difficult for him too because he couldn’t even look me in the eye anymore.

I knew I had seconds to get out of the car before we did what we had set boundaries against, so I leaned in for a peck on the cheek the same time I reached to open the door, and in 5 seconds I was out of the car and in the compound, still trying to make sense of how strange my body felt.

I wanted to start with a personal story to bring it home. The best and worst of us face sexual attraction. So it’s important to highlight first and foremost that it is not sinful to experience your body reacting strangely in the presence of someone you love. It is actually acting according to its design. But that the natural occurrence is sexual attraction, does it make indulging it okay too? I’d think not, because up until marriage, the bible tells us that we are only stewards to the body that is owned by God. He paid full price on it and it is only fair that we use the body as prescribed by the owner; in marriage.

So how do we navigate the intense sexual attraction that comes in courtship, how do we protect our bodies from giving in to desire? How do we insist on our purity of body, soul and mind till marriage?

1. Orient your mind on what holiness and consecration entails. Start with living pure as a single person, it makes a difference when you are with someone. A lot of people don’t get the full understanding of why our faith demands such levels of purity and consecration. They can’t fathom why there’s much conversations around purity when more grave vices exist.

Here’s the thing, the holiness of God that we now partake of in Christ cannot coexist with anything that could taint it in understanding or expression. Sexual sin is often tightly linked with guilt and shame, and these are impurities to the holiness of God. The act is sinful but the more grave elements are really the impact and after effect. How the man in Christ reacts after sexual sin greatly impacts the communion he/she shares with God. So it matters that as a single person, you understand what holiness and consecration means and how it is a covering for you.

2. Once the first step is firmly established, the other four come a lot easily. You need to agree on boundaries and safe words ideally from the start of the relationship. Despite being in long distance for a large part of our courtship, my husband and I agreed on safe words each time we were together. If the room suddenly felt like it was closing in, or the proximity to each other started to affect the other, there were safe words to say which will send a message to the other person to adjust to make the space more habitable lol. So be intentional about agreeing on the purity of the relationship.

3. Sin will always thrive in secrecy. As much as you can, avoid secrecy especially in meeting up during courtship. Sin only needs an environment to thrive. You don’t have to make a resolution in your mind to sin before it happens, all you need to do is create an environment for sin and it will take that opportunity. Dates are so important in getting to know a significant other, but you can plan your dates in more open and safe spaces, rather than concealed and private places. Your mind alone knows you’re not married, however the body only feels what it feels. Make it harder for the flesh to rule by putting practical measures in place.

4. If you fall, seek counsel. Don’t allow the enemy to encourage you to keep going because you’ve already fallen. It’s the way he keeps people bound in sin, he convinces you inch by inch, and because it is so negligible, you don’t see how much closer he is getting you to normalising sin in your heart. If you mistakenly end up in a compromised situation (kissing, touching, outright sex), please tell someone spiritually mature and keep yourself accountable not to fall again. No matter how certain you are of marrying a person, the issue is actually about the violation of the owners prescriptive use, rather than the timing of the violation. Always repent and realign on Gods path. The discipline of sexual purity you develop in courtship is instrumental to the discipline that marriage also requires. If they cannot help themselves in courtship, they won’t help themselves in marriage and it might not always be with you. So it’s important to see that discipline in your significant other, for the fear of God, but also for a glimpse of their commitment to discipline, which transcends courtship.

5. Have an end goal for the courtship. One thing that made the journey easy for Nelson and I was knowing that we had an end date for the built tension. The date actually moved back twice, but hey! God keeps once you ask Him to. Despite the shift in our wedding dates twice, it was still helpful to have the date to look forward to. When we could be “naked and unashamed”. Something so precious about doing things as prescribed by God. I want you to feel that too, so agree on that end goal. Which is when marriage will be and trick your body into knowing that it’ll be rewarded for the wait.

The intimacy of marriage can be amplified by the discipline built in courtship. Take advantage of that and commit to a life of holiness and consecration, especially sexually.

Finally, pray guys. It’s amazing how God helps in every situation. He sees your heart and mind, He’s only a prayer away. A simple “God please help me”. An additional tip is to stay busy. Sometimes things cannot find room for expression when the parties are busy. It helps not to be idle often, because that gives you more time for thoughts (both godly and ungodly) to run through your mind.

Remember that holiness, purity and consecration are not limited to the body alone. It is for the totality of the human being. Don’t abstain physically, but engage via texts, don’t abstain physically but engage with your mind. Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

It is my prayer that Gods supernatural help be made available for you to insist on holiness and consecration throughout dating and courtship. I pray you remember that you’re only but a steward of the body you possess and must answer to the owner for its use. I pray sexual sin never becomes normalised in your heart and that you’ll fight it and call it what it is till Jesus comes. May Abba meet us ready brides; without stain or wrinkle.

See you at Day 6🌹