This was suppose to go live two weeks ago but my first attempt at writing it, I got soaked in my own tears, the second attempt, I was convinced it read too much like a fairy tale, the third attempt was me trying hard to avoid a fairy tale story. And so, with the many hesitations to get it out, I decided to stop trying in myself and put it away for a few more days, to see what settled in my heart and then post it.

I told the Holy Spirit “yes, it’s my experience I’m writing about, but I’m careful not to shape anything contrary to you in the hearts of anyone who will read”. So I took a break from building a tower in my name.

The break coincided with a couples retreat we had signed up for earlier in the year, and so last week we were sat before couples married 40 years and above, talking to us about their journeys, the pivot of marriage and dissecting scripture to help us understand what it meant when the bible said “What God has joined together”.

Sitting in that meeting the last couple days, I felt really challenged and convicted about the second year being for Nelson and I’s pleasure, not in a way that was bad, but a way that was selfish. The meeting reminded us of being together for eternal reasons beyond ourselves and while companionship and pleasures are a part of Gods intention for marriage, purpose and reflection of God and His church are even more paramount.

The morning of our anniversary, I got rolled over by without doubt, the most romantic man on earth, he immediately planted a kiss on my forehead, held me, told me all he was grateful for, and prayed over me. Almost immediately, he reached under the bed to bring out a lush, blooming bouquet of the most regal pink tulips. 

We didn’t take the day off, so while we both got ready for the day and headed out, I sat with my journal, and had a few moments to cast my mind back to the last year, and all I could do was cry.

It was intense. Everything in the last year was more intense. The love, the grace, the peace, the growth, the travels, but equally the squabbles, the differences and the disagreements. It felt like the sweet spot in that moment.

It was truly a year of intense passion in learning and unlearning so much. For people who had a 5-year courtship, you’d wonder how there could still be more to learn and unlearn, but it’s important to know that you and your partner don’t stop evolving when you meet, as a matter of fact, new dimensions of yourselves come out in your union and so the commitment of marriage isn’t only to the person you said “I do” to, it’s also to the person they wake up to be tomorrow, the next day and the days after that.

In year two we spent so much time together and it was a good opportunity to learn a few things about God, life and love, which I’ve outlined below:

1. We really have to marry who we wanna look more like. Marriage brings a once stranger too close for comfort, you need to make sure it’s someone you’re comfortable imbibing almost everything about them. In this year, I saw how much I transformed, in words, thoughts and speech. I’m much quieter, kinder, reflective and peaceful. I also now watch violence and horror movies, I listen to the world’s best violinists, I know so much about watches, wines and cars, and I also wake up much earlier. I pee more too, drink more water and clear the kitchen as I cook (or at least try to now). I learnt all of this and more from having Nelson in my space this regularly. I imagine if it was awful and ungodly things he had in him, it’s how I would’ve morphed to look just like that. For example, Nelson never drinks from bottles, he always, always pours it in a cup, and me on the other end, I always drink from a bottle. One day I came into the kitchen to see my husband skying a bottle and that left me so puzzled, he laughed and jokingly said “he learnt it from me”, and while I’m ashamed I offered that by having him in my space, I resolved to be more intentional in my life and living because by default, someone unconsciously picks me up (my habits, my words and even my actions). We actually become our partners, make sure it’s a becoming God will be proud of.
2. Prior to attending the couples retreat last week, I would’ve written of the absolute joy and pleasure it is to revel in your partner and their being, but that’s not enough for the purpose God made marriage, it’s important that the third person (God) is consciously engaged in the intense pleasures and joys you enjoy together. It’s this seeming little act that keeps us from making an idol of our partners and the love we share with them.
3. The world generally opposes fairytale love as too good to be true, and will convince you of it being a ‘honeymoon phase’, but year two showed Nelson and I that the world truly could never approve of what it cannot author. I built castles up in the air way before marriage and the last two years has been higher up in those castles because you both get to decide your realities, even amidst the uncertainties of life.
4. I learnt that even with the dutiful expectations that come with marriage, the willingness to those expectations must always supersede the dutifulness. Duty alone will not sustain the full expression of love between two people, so while Nelson and I have a dutiful commitment to each other by reason of the covenant of marriage, we refuse to let duty alone motivate and spur us to love ourselves. And it’s come with me practically asking myself often whether this is duty, or love.
5. In year two, more than anything, we brought our circles together and formed the family community. It seems so small and random, but it’s amazing how it united us even stronger, he knows and relates with my friends and same on his end, leaves very little to keep away from each other, even on the basis of “you don’t know this person”.
6. We hit milestones together, me finishing my PhD, Nelson writing & passing several qualifying exams in his profession, publishing the second edition of Foch devotional, working on projects together, and travelling to each others “childhood destination countries” and making adult purchases, I see why marrying early has high market value, so many firsts together, and this often creates unforgettable experiences and memories. Doing them together solidified our resolve of truly understanding that two is better than one.

In the end, the big conclusion I came to in year two is that “it is always better to build than to mend”. We don’t need to wait for an opportunity to mend something broken, when we can just build well.

I’m so excited for year three. According to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, God has made marriage a provision to avoid a fall. And I’m committed to watching over Nelson and Gods purpose for us as He does for me.

I hope you read this and remember that God will keep what He has authored. You can take that to the bank.

Happiest Anniversary to Our bubble.

Here’s year one memoir if you missed that 🙂