Category: Relationships

The free-style profession

Leave a comment

It is a national day to celebrate children in Nigeria today. Popularly referred to as ‘Children’s day’ and for anyone who grew up in Nigeria, you’d know how big of a deal this was, especially as the majority of Nigerian parents tend to do their best to make it memorable. Whether out in the park or for lunch or indoors having fun!

I went down memory lane today again as I saw some of the pictures of the celebration and my heart was and is still filled with so much joy and gratitude.

It took going through boarding school and subsequently university to realise that most of us were blessed in the homes and parents we grew up in. We pretty much had an amazing childhood that we would not trade for anything and as mundane as it appears, i’d encourage you realise the blessing you received and be very grateful.

I don’t know if it was the atmosphere of the season stirring my conversations but the week leading to today and also over the weekend, I got into a lot of conversations about childhood, parenting and the entire journey through to adulthood from childhood. A particular conversation stands out because it was more on the opposite side of what I had been used to.

My friend felt like parents needed to do more work in preparing to be parents and basically create a safer and more nurturing environment for their kids. His emphasis was on African parents and while I could understand where he was coming from, it hit me how parenting is the only profession without a manual. Even though there are books on parenting, it remains a very subjective matter seeing as parents and children are all different individuals and might be a case of different strokes for different folks.

By the end of the conversation, I found myself asking myself what kind of parent I would want to be and it was quite eye opening to see the way I thought and envisaged things.

While we celebrate children’s day, I thought it’d be nice to get you on same exercise. Evaluate your childhood and your parents style of parenting, what worked? what did not work? what are you definitely taking on board? what are you leaving behind?

This really helps in removing clutter in our mentality on approaching such an office when the time comes. Parenting is that ministry that should never be neglected. Highest calling in my opinion, being able to steward another of God’s creation. Nothing to be taken likely.

Because I am very much aware that we didn’t all have the best childhood or parents. With all due respect, I wanted to apologise to anyone reading this who feels like their parents failed them or who can’t relate to having an amazing childhood. I pray God equips you to be the parent that you wanted while you grew up.

folks

Can I just be independent?

2 Comments

I’ve heard people say so often how they feel like the biggest problem in our generation is the idea that we seem to always know what’s best for us and can go after it.

Looking at that first, it seems like a really good thing, but I think what the older generation struggle to understand with it, particularly people of African/Asian descent, is that they believe more in learning from the experiences of others and not merely trial and error which is quite costly while we just wanna take the plunge from our own intuition and see where it leads us. So you can imagine your parents frustration when they are pointing you in a direction but because you’re so convinced of the opposite direction, you take permission from them to violate their intuition and go with your own intuition.

Sometimes, we do get to certain places and realise “oh, they were right”, and other times, we get there and get to say “I told you so” back to them. May the odds forever be in your favour with regards the reply you give in life.

I had a conversation with a friend recently and she was about to do something quite big in her life and while speaking to me about it, she said ‘I don’t want my family to know’. This was not the point of the conversation but my ears picked up on it so when she  gave me room to speak, that was the first question I was throwing back. “Why don’t you want your family to know?”

She started by saying how they know how independent she is about her life and how she doubts any of them would really be fazed about it and despite my push to inform them, she was bent on not doing so, but on the bright side, she hadn’t kept it from the entire world, at least I knew what was going on. (Don’t worry, it does not implicate me so we’re good, lol).

In convincing her to tell her family, I realised a gap she had made in her understanding of what independence and accountability is, and I said to her that “Accountability  to the people who love us does not, in any way infringe on our desire to be independent“, and I’ll explain that some more.

Even when were grown and true-true, we know whats best for us, our parents and all our loved ones still love us the way they did when we were little, their love for us doesn’t change much because we now have horns and tails lol, although, there are family ties that are seared because of decisions taken by younger people.

But in this case, it was purely a picture of ‘I’ve been independent, I don’t want to bother them with this’.

So I asked her a question, I said, “would anyone in your family be hurt or offended if they found out after it was done?” and she responded in the affirmative and I shared with her how its now not just about her but them as well, if it impacts them in some way and also how it now transcends her independence and now sits on her accountability to her family by mere fact of the emotional bond shared. But being strong-willed and a true candidate of this generation, she still refuted the stance I had made.

I’ll probably still have a go at convincing her, but I need us young people to realise that accountability does not stop us from being independent and its totally fine to involve the people you should be accountable to even while making your independent moves. I’m hopeful that when we sit in the shoes of our parents one day, we’ll see more clearly all they saw and tried to protect us from, but then, it’ll now be our turn to sit back and allow the ones who ‘know’ do and learn from their mistakes. A cycle that might never end!

Lets be the strong accountable, independent generation.

independent

“I’m not ready”

Leave a comment

prepare

I was speaking to a Mentor recently and I shared with her how ‘unready’ I felt in a certain aspect of my life. To be honest, I was expecting a hug (over facetime), a cute endearment, followed by an encouragement to keep praying and doing what I can till I feel ready. Something like ‘Aww Rubie, I totally understand, I think you should keep praying about the feeling and also wait till you feel ready’.

This was what I was expecting.

I was hit with the biggest slap (figuratively), when she responded almost immediately saying “Then prepare Rubie!”.

Because that response caught me off guard, I went silent for the next few seconds recovering from the opposite of what I wanted to hear and she began to ask “what is making you unready?” and frankly, I didn’t have an answer, so I just stayed there, repeating “I don’t even know” and she broke into mummy-mode (as usual) about how It’s important to recognise ‘unreadiness’ as either our fears or an obvious lack of preparation.

I took what she said and meditated on it the next few days and I felt the Holy Spirit use her words to speak to me on how preparation is what is needed and how it is easy to settle into that ‘unreadiness’ mentality and think it okay.

So I made up my mind to prepare, like consciously, intentionally and actively prepare, so i’m not caught off guard or feeling unready when I have the entire time to actually prepare.

I’ve brought same tidings to you; what do you feel so unready about or for? Is it you feeding off your fear, or have you just ignored preparation for it?

It could be a job, a phase of life, a move or anything at all. God honours and blesses the ‘Works of our hands’, not the ‘thoughts of our minds’. we need to move from thinking to actually doing, all as led by the Spirit of God. Like me, someone needs to start preparing!

Moments of Truth ; Has He told You He loves you?

4 Comments

When I was in high school, I had a lot of male friends, I think that protected me from being attached to anyone of them particularly because I would relate same way to all of them, up until getting into my final year when it became visibly obvious that myself and this young man got a lot closer. It started as normal play really but if you went to a boarding school, you will know that people there have an uncanny ability to just blow things up, no matter how small it was.

So before I knew it, it was ‘Rubie and David‘ being sang everywhere. We knew we were closer than usual but frankly, me and him knew it was just friendship cause we’d sit and talk for long hours and just laugh together and despite the fact that we went to prom together, we never really dated or even so much as admitted that ‘we loved ourselves’, but without being bias, truthfully in school most people saw us as ‘a thing’.

We never defined whatever it was and then we graduated and carried on with life and this ‘thing’ dissipated like fresh air although we remain good friends till today.

Recently, I was on a group chat where conversations were going on about how some guys may be shy to come out and tell you they are interested in pursuing a relationship with you, even for us as Christians, and people were basically putting in their two cents on whether or not it is a legit issue and what a christian woman should do in such a situation. It might give more perspective to say that it is a group chat of very profound young christian men and women, so it was not really a random environment or conversation.

Contrary to what people think, I can be a very oblivious person, it has caused me blessings and mishap in my life because sometimes, things I should notice and pick up on, I don’t and I end up missing things, and then other times, not being able to notice and pick these things up have saved me stress and time. (however, I see it more as weakness which I still take to God in prayer). So it is highly unlikely that I would just know that someone is secretly harbouring love feelings towards me and I believe there are more ladies like myself too, so while there’s a saying in society that ‘women always know‘, some of us just hide our face in shame and thank God for the Holy Spirit within us that brings discernment because left to natural abilities, we would never know.

I think a lot of young girls and women base huge decisions on a lot of assumptions that have never come out as words or even actions. Women especially, being emotional and sensitive as we are, have a tendency to see more into things than the average man will. It is one of the gifts God has graced the woman with. Sort of like when Abigail went immediately to appease David with gifts after her husband had sent a harsh reply to David who sent his men to seek help from Him. (Check out the story here)

Her sensitivity and emotions as a woman led her to take action before David would make his way back and kill her husband and his men, and if we read that story to the end, after Abigail’s husband died, David took her as his wife, who knows, maybe it was just that pure display of sensitivity and emotion that attracted him to her.

So usually, when we over-read meaning into the actions of noble young men around us, we might interpret it for something more than what it is which leads to this whole play out of hurt and pain when the realisation finally hits you that you over-thought it. I  usually advice young women against sowing seeds in a garden that has not been open to you. By that I mean, fantasising and emotionally vesting yourself into relationships that has not been defined and discussed by the man in question.

There’s so much that we will save ourselves from if we just choose to move in step with the Spirit of God. The Holy spirit is just as interested in our ‘love-life’ as He is in our ‘bible study and prayer life’. He is a Spirit that influences ALL of us and not just a part and so let’s be mindful to bring Him along even when we get to such junctions.

To be honest, I don’t even know whether or not a man can be too shy to tell you he is interested (especially when this man is being led by the spirit of God), but what I can tell you confidently, is not to move ahead of yourself and allow your sensitive and emotional side lead you into a place you have not been invited to.

If it really bothers you that much that He might like you but not have the courage to say it, I think its a wiser choice to pray that God grants Him the courage and not just take matters in your own hand.

embarrased

Check out the last Moment of truth post here

I told my best friend that her fiance was messaging me

6 Comments

truthh

Yesterday, I was thankful again for some of the angels God gifted me as friends, This Girl called me up, asked to take me to lunch and later added seeing a movie to our hang-out and Lord knows I didn’t know I needed to relax till I lay in my bed at the end of the day reminiscing on how beautiful the day went, but even more, how relaxed I felt.

Let friendship not just be in our mouth, lets go a little further and put some action behind it shall we? But no, this post isn’t about Christiana or my day out or a need to have friends like her (Although i’m sure you’d have caught the point by now, lol).

We saw ‘What Men want‘ at the cinema and if you know me, you’re probably thinking ‘That’s not Rubie’ cause you know that it’ll be my last option if I was going to a cinema to watch a movie and the movie choice was up to me. The reason is that I find a lot of Black-American romance movies very profane, added to that, they’re also quite explicit and because I’m team ‘Guard your mind and heart’, I try to stay away from those things as much as I can because I genuinely don’t think I can handle it.

But Christiana wanted to see it and truthfully I had seen some good reviews as well so I obliged and didn’t object. This post is also not a review of the movie but of a trend that was accentuated in the movie.

It brought a flash back of a girl in my teenage church who once shared at one of the ‘Girl talk’ sessions at youth church camp, how her sisters husband had started to look at her lustfully while he was dating her sister and even went further to tell her that she was the one he wanted even if it was her sister he was marrying. (Yes, The effrontery!). Sadly, it was all verbal communication and not one she could screenshot and go show her sister who was about to get married then (Oh Lord, that you’ll give us the spirit of discernment to see through these facades, both male and female alike!).

She approached her second sister and told her what had happened over the months leading to the wedding and the other sister accused her of seducing him and went further to advise her not to tell the sister about to get married, so she didn’t. When she was sharing this story and seeking advice, her sister was married to this man and she had been running away from him the whole duration of the marriage (How she moved from kettle to pot! ugh).

In ‘What men want‘, there’s a very similar turn out of events, similar to a movie called ‘Boy, bye‘. There, a recently divorced friend, found out that her best friend’s boyfriend was actually married and so she took it to the ‘counsel’ of close friends to seek advise on what to do as she didn’t want to appear as the ‘Kill-joy’, ‘bearer of bad news’ or ‘jealous friend’. The ‘counsel’ of friends decided against telling her directly and just set up a scenario where the wife would meet them two in an inappropriate state (in the case of the movie, in bed). So these friends went ahead and plotted this decision.

On #QuestionAnsweringFriday on our Instagram page, a couple of weeks ago now, I received a similar question from a girl who asked if she should tell her best friend that her boyfriend was secretly messaging her, even while they were still in a relationship. And watching What men want and Boy bye just brought all these occurrences back and made me begin to question friendship in our generation.

How we would be scared of being named ‘jealous’ over telling the truth, or how we’d be willing to watch the people closest to us walk into fire because we don’t want to be the bearers of bad news! like what?

By God’s grace, I’m the friend that my best friends fiance wouldn’t even want to find out that he likes me, because once I so much as sense it (spiritually now), my best friend is knowing and not just knowing but walking away because if at fiance level you’ve still not been trained and taught by the Holy spirit to be committed to one, I don’t think that’s somebody spiritually fit for marriage, so yes, i’ll be snitching you straight up.

In that moment, as much as I know the hurt it will bring her, I know also the compilation of hurt I will be saving her from in the future, so we’ll mess up the now just to preserve the future, obviously as led by the Spirit of God.

My number one trait I look out for in all my friendships since I knew the real meaning has been ‘honesty’, honesty to yourself and honesty to me as your friend. It’ll shock you to know that it is not even god-fearing because I’ve been good friends with unsaved people and God has used that friend-relationship to draw them to God, If I decided to make friends with only saved people, I can’t imagine the number of people that I was led to bless, slip through just because I decided to make only saved friends. (Ps. not everyone of us can handle this, until you’re sure you won’t be influenced, please there’s nothing wrong in sticking around only saved people, let God be the one to move you).

If you want good friends around you, it starts with you being a good friend. What’s your testimony as a friend to the people around you? I think we should all think about this.

I say this with all conviction, that if you are scared or concerned about telling any friend of yours the truth that could save them trauma in the future, however complicated the situation, you need to reevaluate that relationship and pray about it also. It is not normal or okay.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Rib yet to find its cage and Rib sitting in its cage alike.

Leave a comment

c476bfd7-e0e9-4b03-9674-e33cdabfc921

The above message was broadcast and a few responses came back from women alike who didn’t completely agree with the post and had other opinions that strongly negated the point stated in the message above, however, I personally feel like the responses given showed that the recipients missed the point of the post.

I got talking with a Pastor who fortunately happens to be my friend as well and he had amazing words of wisdom which I thought was definitely worth sharing, so please be blessed and read with eyes of the Spirit and not that of your natural self.

“The woman is blessed and has been endowed to influence, support, and aid her man, yet submit to his leadership.

Through what mechanism?

Several of them. But one very crucial one is ‘speaking’, ‘use of Words’

Look back at the post “Fewer things soothe a man’s heart more than knowing the woman he loves can SPEAK to him in a time, and with WORDS, that can…”

The law of kindness on a person’s lips is attractive. See this – one of the strengths of the Virtuous woman…

Proverbs 31:26 KJV
She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the LAW OF KINDNESS.

The way a woman speaks to her husband, and the content of her speech reveals so much about her understanding of her place in that man’s life and that has a huge impact on the man’s life and destiny. I wish we could ask John Wesley more, He’s an anointed man who married quite a woman! Also, Little wonder Pastor Chris Delvan (Also an anointed Man of God) would say, when a godly woman meets her man, she just realises that submission is ‘easy’.

Even unbelievers know this. When pastor Adeboye married Pastor Folu, they both weren’t believers, we can’t say God spoke to him but I’m certain one of the qualities he saw in her was kindness on her lips. Soothing words! (At least we know she has consistently had a good report in this regard) Little wonder he could soar this high.

Oh God bless us in this manner!

A woman can know more about her role in a man’s life if she sits to learn some things about the Holy Spirit in a believer’s life. Of course she is not the Holy Spirit, but both roles resonate in a manner- in that they both help, sooth, inspire, aid etc. How does the Holy Spirit speak to us? how forceful is he? How inspiring, soothing and supportive are his words to us?

The mechanism of speaking and use of Words would remain a game changer in any marriage or relationship, and more so for both parties. In the context of this piece, man’s help-meet can maximise this; and even do this in a manner that is pure, submissive, joyful, and not controlling or forceful.

The Hebrew word for kindness as in Proverbs 31:26 is ‘chesed’ and it means (Strong’s definition): kindness ; by implication (towards God) piety ; rarely reproof (by opprobrium), or (subjectively) beauty: favour, good deed, kindly, merciful (kindness).

Maybe the use of ‘correct his course’ and ‘re-direct his soul’ (as per the screenshot above) might be quite weighty phrases to have been used (and could be misleading) but the point is clear, a woman’s words have an unimaginable impact on her man, positively or negatively as the case may be; and she can choose the law of kindness on her lips!

Of course this piece does not exclude the man from the need to bless his wife with well-spoken words; but it is in direct response to the text in question, ” – Pastor Emmanuel

The entire response were his thoughts and I couldn’t agree more. I pray God gives every woman the wisdom and words to be the complete meet to the need she’s been placed in a mans life.

Pastors Wife?

2 Comments

I had the best weekend, I really hope you can say same and if not, let’s forget the past and prepare for this coming week, with all its opportunities as well as blessings.

A key highlight for me was the IWP Hangout where we got to talk a lot on the struggles of the 21st century woman and looked at biblical examples on tackling each and everyone of them with the help of the Holy Spirit (I would share highlights from the event soon). While one girl was speaking at the event, she out rightly said “I cannot marry a pastor, I know the grace God has placed on me and being a Pastors’s wife (PW) is not within the jurisdiction of that grace”. It was all fun and banter till this evening, a day later, a friend I sat with who was also present at the hangout randomly asked me what is wrong with being a ‘PW’, I didn’t even understand till she said ‘Pastor’s wife’ and I literally took 10 seconds to laugh before I could put myself together to respond, not like I even had the answer.

So I asked her if it was because of the comment made yesterday and she responded in the affirmative, reminding me by the side that we need to be careful of what we say in public and even at the reaction we give to things because people who don’t know better might take your personal sentiment and judge a whole situation by that.

My answer was just that ‘it comes with its own responsibility’ but the responsibility is not something you can’t deal with once God’s Spirit has walked with you into that marriage with the Pastor. She wasn’t clear on the responsibilities so I shared what I think I had observed and also what I had heard from my own Pastor’s wife (who is my Second mummy), and the things included, being patient enough with the number of people all over your husband (Pastor) because of the office he occupies, your responsibility to the people in your church, both men and women alike, your responsibility to be prepared for visitations and emergencies at any point in time really.

These and a host of other things I think characterise the life of a PW, but I thought more and realised that any wife of a minister of God might have similar responsibilities, so I kept asking the Holy Spirit, why really young girls don’t want to end up as Pastor’s wife and I was reminded of a message I listened to by Apostle Joshua Selman where He spoke on ‘The tripartite nature of the woman’ and towards the end of that sermon, he was admonishing women to be serious and fervent about their spiritual walk with God, then he added further that ‘if on top of being a woman, you marry a Man of God (I reckon he was referring to a Pastor), you must even be double because the responsibility is much’. I’ve paraphrased the last part but this was the main message.

Every woman of God has a responsibility to her husband, her family and her community at large, I don’t think that changes much for a woman of God married to a Pastor, only that you also have a responsibility to the congregation your Husband pastors, not in the fact that you live to please them, but that you live to show them love as the wife of the shepherd that God has placed them under.

I really don’t have a personal opinion on this because truthfully, I like a private relational life, especially when I get married, I don’t know if being a PW stands in the way of this but the conclusion remains the same, that wherever God has called you to, He has released grace for you to also go and excel.

Let’s stop the sentimental jokes around Pastor’s wives, I think they’re doing awesomely well, and please don’t interpret my advocacy for them as a sure sign that i’ll be one. because here’s the irony of life, how many Pastor’s wives really knew that ‘My husband will be a Pastor one day’ when they were getting married? while some were fortunate to already see it before they walked into marriage, some met the anointing and instruction while in marriage, so, You there, Yes you, running away from Pastors, just know that God has a funny sense of humour! I’m a living witness to that!

pastors wife

Who else has envisaged their future home?

Leave a comment

We hear so often how ‘No marriage is ever the same’ and how you need to ‘Do what works for your own marriage’, this doesn’t stop even into parenting, it’s the same song that parenting is also very different and you need to do what works for you.

Now, because of all the differences, right from upbringing to marriage to parenthood, there’s every tendency that children form mindsets and make decisions based on the manner in which they’ve been taught from birth and also their backgrounds. I recently had a conversation with a young woman and I expressed my desire never to be a stay-at-home mother, not because of any reason other than I don’t think it is my makeup, I think my giftings, personality and the call of God on my life will have me constantly out and in the midst of people however small or large the scale, imparting value and inspiring positive change, and she was uncomfortable with this and asked me what was wrong in being a stay-at-home mom and I explained further.

It was not till the end of the conversation I got to know that her mum was a stay-at-home mom and she really didn’t think it was such a big deal as society made it seem. I thought back on my own life and realised that my mum as well was one for the beginning parts of my life and then went into the corporate world as we grew older. It was hard for me to decipher whether my own mothers decision had an impact on my decision not to be a stay-at-home mom.

I also grew up in a laid-back home, where my parents weren’t too much in your business and gave you levels of trust and so, I intend to do same for my kids.

My mum would cook for the month on one day and it worked in my house and I also entertained thoughts that in my future home, no cooking everyday.

My dad was mostly away for work and I grew up mostly with my mom and while I don’t think that had any effect on me, I still feel like I want my own husband to be there for a child, almost the same way I am.

I need you to see in all of this how I’ve drafted a picture of ‘Future Rubie and her home’ from the background I’ve come from, how I’ve decided in advance how we’ll eat, places we should go, how I would live before I’ve even been joined to the bone-of-my-bone. I figured that I am not alone in this.

Consciously or unconsciously we’ve made a template of the life we want for our families based on how we’ve grown up, and to a large extent, these are good really, because it’ll allow us make up in areas we feel our parents could have done better and it’ll give us room to express our deepest convictions for our families, (like how I know that my family will have a prayer alter in the form of a room before any other social space).

We have to be careful though, that we give room for these things to be tried and tested, first, by the Spirit of God in us, and then by whoever God will be joining us with, (has He destined that we be joined). Let’s not be too quick to make our desires for our future homes constants to the point where whenever we feel it is challenged, we’re  second guessing the suitability of the person in question.

The bible does give a template, for both a husband and wife and a child and parent, however, as there is such a thing as ‘Lacuna‘ in any constitution, there also is the ‘spirit-led choice’, in whatever decisions we find ourselves having to make that we can’t see obvious answers about from the bible.

In our desires for the homes and families we want, let’s be guided by the Spirit of God and not let our backgrounds stand in the way.

Vector Silhouette Family House

Heal and shift

Leave a comment

I have been on one of Karen’s Kingsbury’s special, ‘When joy came to say‘.

I don’t take a long time with reading novels as I do with inspirational and spiritual books, but this novel has taken quite some time, having me stop, think, reflect and relate with some of the characters of the book and frankly, it has been heart wrenching. Anyone who reads Karen on a regular knows how her writing touches always the deepest parts of you, without her even trying too hard.

A woman had a past of which she managed to completely clean before she got married, she didn’t bother so share this horrid past with new hubby because it was now what it was, the past and it didn’t matter any more. They were both leaders in church and parents to the most adorable twin baby boys and then several years into this beautiful family, flashbacks start coming to her. She can’t make much sense of the flashbacks but one thing she’s certain of is the affiliation this has to the past she closed several years ago.

So what does she do? she gets scared because the hallucinations start getting overbearing, shes now caught doing things that could jeopardise her career as a top class columnist as a result of the hallucinations.

Her husband notices these changes so he starts to probe like the caring and supportive husband he is, but she shuts him out completely, convinced that he does not deserve a woman like her because of her past and does not deserve also the shame he could face should whatever it is be brought to light.

So one day, as her husband is away at work, she packs up her bags, leaves a note saying where she’s going and she checks herself into a psychiatric home, convinced that her hallucinations had become hazardous to her and the people around her. She gave clear instructions that she wanted no call or visit from any family member, particularly her husband and just asked to be alone, attending her rehabilitation classes till she got better.

On the flip side, hubby gets home to a quiet house, cause his wife successfully managed to give their kids to social services under the disguise that she is mentally unstable and so, they took the children without much questioning. He finds her wardrobe cleaned out and the note she’s left him and his heart can’t take it so he sits there on that spot, cries out his heart and stays playing with thoughts of how his marriage went from 100 – 0 with no warning and no reasons why.

I’m still on the book so I don’t know yet the ending but this plot isn’t too far from the realities I’ve been hearing about and dealing with. On the side of ‘do I need to tell my partner everything about my past?’ and ‘what if I deal with pain silently?’. This blog post is more on the dealing with pain, than the revealing your past to your partner.

People around us always suffer when we decide to be selfish. I imagine the tragedy to come in this book because of the protagonists decision to withhold her past from the people who love her, including her husband. I imagine the plot twist of what he will be forced to do and think because his wife has left him to go a mental home with no explanation as to why and even refuses to see him.

No matter how private you are, you need to know that your behaviour and response to pain has domino effects on those closest to you however little, I think young people need to start learning more how best to deal with pain rather than just closing a chapter on it without dealing with it adequately.

Subsequently we’ll talk about the letting your partner in on every detail of your past that has a potential to resurface at any point in your life, however insignificant you think it is.

We’ve grown learning that pain goes with time, and that’s true to an extent, but not when we haven’t fully healed, if not, at the slightest pop up of something related, we’ll be overwhelmed by the flood of thoughts from what we once thought was dead and gone.

STOP HIDING YOUR PAIN, STOP DEALING WITH YOUR PAIN ALONE, STOP PRETENDING THAT A WOUND IS HEALED WHEN IT IS ONLY COVERED.

Heal first, then shift.

pain

Different Excitements?

Leave a comment

I couldn’t have chosen a better generation to be born into to be honest, I love how I look back and see all the flaws of our Parents generation, how we’ve managed to find solutions to them and become more vocal as well on issues, and I also look into the generation of our children and frankly, i’m gripped with fear seeing how we’re unintentionally nurturing spaces to support levels of unruliness and arrogance all in the name of being vocal and speaking your mind. So in my head, it is kinda like 2 extremes and then us, here in the middle, balancing it all out! (Gather in here for a group selfie if you really feel the same way about our generation!).

However, that we are the middle-men balancing it all out has not left us without the flaws and downsides to this generation, so we’ll do ourselves some good to address these flaws when they pop up and adjust them in order to stop it from being worse with future generations.

This post is inspired by a conversation I had recently with a friend, he was convinced I did not want to talk to him anymore and that I had changed towards him because we hadn’t spoken in a while, but I was not trying to be defensive to start saying how ‘life is busy’, or how ‘everyone is just occupied with work’ or anything else of that sort, so I just apologised and carried on normally, but I realised how this is slowly becoming a trend with most people, getting mad or uncomfortable that you don’t talk with someone the way you use to talk to them before and just making conclusions that friendship wouldn’t work cause of that.

We might all be able to testify of an excitement that comes when we start talking to someone who gets us, like just conversing with someone who you seem to have a lot of similar interests with, this is normal and it is natural. As time goes on, it is also normal and natural that the excitement changes, not that it dwindles, it is just not the temporary excitement of the new possibility of the friendship at the beginning but excitement of just having the person as a friend, and if you ask married people, I think they explain it best. How the dating phase is not the same as marriage, not that it is worse or better, but the excitement that comes in the suspense and the potential that they just see at the dating phase isn’t the same in marriage cause there isn’t that suspense anymore, it becomes excitement in another way.

Our generation wants to keep the initial excitement at inception of something till the end of the thing, they don’t want to imagine that anything could or should change that excitement and so when the initial excitement is overshadowed by the new source of excitement, rather than embracing it, we pick it up as a red flag and look at it as a problem rather than a blessing that it could be. It happens with ideas too, people are so excited when new ideas come but as execution gets into full swing, because the first excitement isn’t there, they begin to question the ideas and motivations.

I told my friend that the same principle is also seen in our natural world. The oceans don’t always flow the same way, the flow sometimes is dependent on external factors, but never the content of the water. No flow is better than the other because the content remains the same really, just newness of flow every now and then.

When there are changes in our relationships, both Eros and friendships, I think we need to be more understanding and sensitive to the changes and not just interpret it as something bad, not in any way neglecting the fact that there really might be other issues surrounding someones withdrawal, but so long as there hasn’t been any change in the content of your thoughts towards someone, don’t use the flow of the relationship to judge it in it’s entirety. Recognise the phases and trust the flow.

excited