I remember summarising the lesson of year 2 memoir to “don’t wait to fix what is broken, but build what will stand the test of time” and so early in our third year of marriage, we decided to start couples counselling/therapy. I grew up in a church that advocated for marriage enhancement classes once you hit the third year, not because anything was broken, but because there was potential for even more fulfilment and joy in the marriage union. So before we got married, we did agree that in year 3, we will start marriage counselling, and cheers to us for keeping our word, we did!

What a rude awakening to find in our search for a counsellor that people truly only sought counselling and therapy when things had broken, cause in filling forms to get ourselves a professional marriage counsellor, the issues listed in the reason for counselling/therapy were; “infidelity”, “child loss”, “pornography addiction”, “sexual dissatisfaction”, “irreconcilable differences” and the one that made me gag the most; “bored of the marriage”.

Reading through those lists and not seeing positives like “improved growth”, “stronger home”, “new seasons” etc, broke me cause we really don’t have to wait till we’re completely broken to seek help. But I digress.

We shortlisted about 3 counsellors and ended up going with the one that doubled as both a couples therapist and couples counsellor by training and profession.

In making our decision, it was difficult explaining to our options that we’re seeking counselling and therapy to better our marriage, not to fix something broken, but I got to see why counselling and therapy is important, because in our first session, our very tender and funny counsellor got us talking to a point that we did see, acknowledge and attempt to fix cracks starting to emerge, because we are two imperfect people from different backgrounds, there are bound to be differences and while we found our work around them, we got to start learning healthier ways to work around them that will leave no cracks in our foundation or dirt under our rugs. And truly with marriage, it’s the cracks and dirt you wanna keep an eye on, they’re what accumulate to become the ditch and trash.

Nelson made reference to some occurrences in the past that had hurt him that I honestly had no recollection of, and while I wanted to throw a tantrum about him bringing up things I didn’t even remember, I had to remind myself that this was why we were here. While love keeps no record of wrong and covers a multitude of sin, the recipient of the love must not keep sinning to create a record or multitude to be covered, so I listened, apologised, and realised that my husband isn’t only introverted by personality, he’s also introverted with his joys, hopes and hurts too. Revelatory.

Once when Nelson went to use the loo in a session, I casually asked my counsellor if he’s married, thinking I already knew the answer, and to my amazement, he honestly responded saying he had been divorced twice and not married anymore. I did physically feel my heart sink lol

If you know me personally, you know my face talks even when my lips are sealed. He started to explain summarily what had gone wrong both times, but in all honestly, and quite ashamedly, I kept thinking;

“How can you offer us medicine you couldn’t use for yourself?”

I’m not even sure how I didn’t think to ask this during our compatibility check stage because I just assumed that surely you can only give what you have. Wrong! People in the world are daily giving what they don’t have lol

Our entire ride home that day was deciding on whether to continue with same professional, and after our discussion, prayer and my graceful husband who won me over with the argument that “if nothing, he will definitely have learnt more from his failures because as Steve Jobs says, success will always be a lousy teacher”.

So we took our chances, because part of seeking someone professionally trained is they teach you not only from their experiences, but from their professional knowledge and if anything, he did know his stuff, and weird, but I love the counselling environment and aura. Important to add that this was not to replace our community of married friends or the older discipling couples in our lives, if anything, an added layer to our cloud of witnesses on the journey of marriage.

In reflection, it became more apparent to me that truly, “prophecies will cease, tongues will be stilled and where there is knowledge, it will pass away (1 Corinthians 13:8). I was reminded again that it is God who keeps what He authors, by His own methods and standards, not by the worlds or our expectations.

It later brought me to deep humility, that my professionally trained counsellor/therapist who had trained and practiced for almost 18 years in total, could not salvage two marriages with all of his knowledge.

So I was reminded in year 3, that knowledge puffs up, but love builds up (1 Corinthians 8:1). I started to see areas of our marriage where knowledge was taking a lead, as we’re both very intellectual people, it was a no-brainer to see knowledge leading in a lot of places we struggled and while the world celebrated intellectualism as a strength, I can confirm to you that it indeed is a weakness, and what a joy for us believers to be able to glory in our weakness, knowing that it’s in our weaknesses that God gets to be strong! (2 Corinthians 12:9).

As I became more aware of it, I started to ask the Lord to bring our knowledge individually and collectively to bow to our love, His love, which meant thinking ourselves fools and novices even in year 3 of marriage, and treating every year like a brand new year, to learn, grow and become.

On a personal level, year 3 slowed me down physically, mentally and emotionally, and for my person, it was very uncomfortable, but much needed and I’m grateful for every change, lesson and growth that has come. 

I said it earlier but the summary lesson of year 3 is to “stick with love that builds up because knowledge will fail and pass away”.

Nelson and I courted for 5 years before marriage and you’d think it was enough time for knowledge to be built, but we still acknowledge often that it was insufficient time to fully know each other, and even here, almost 9 years together, it’s not knowledge that has carried and kept us, but God, His love and both our commitments.

In year 3, we entered seasons neither of us had ever been in and so new knowledge was and still is required. It’s why marriage remains a spiritual decision, it’s not just commitment to the person on the wedding day, it’s the person they wake up to be the next day, 5 years later, 10 years later and beyond.

So while Abba promises to sustain what He authors, we must commit to be sustained by His own design of marriage as prescribed in His word.

So I’m entering year 4 like a new bride, a fool and void of any knowledge, I wanna see the difference with love taking the lead and by Gods grace, I’ll be back in year 4 memoir to tell of those differences.

I truly love what God is building with us.

God has not owed us anything.

Feel free to catch up on year 1 and year 2 memoir x