In a lot of countries, there’s a minimum number of years you must’ve been separated before you can legally be divorced by the courts.

It might not make sense in every scenario but for the majority, I think it makes perfect sense, I think it’s the law giving both parties some time to consider if the decision is truly the right cause of action, and not one made in haste, anger or pain. It’s really society’s way of saying “take this time and see what’s at the other side of predicting each other”

It’s also what preachers typically say about year 5 and above with marriage, that I’ve found to be true as I write this, stepping into year 5.

It’s the part of love that isn’t glamourised but is crucial; it’s predictability

There’s an ‘acceptance peace’ that comes with the year; You know what to expect in a familiar way, there are little surprises with your partners habits, you can guess what they’ll say or do in certain situations and you can guarantee outcomes from certain actions, or inactions.

This familiarity becomes security. You’ve learnt each other enough to allow them to shine in their strengths, make allowance for the weaknesses and choose speech and actions with much foreknowledge. This minimises friction, maximises empathy and fosters deeper understanding.

So really, overfamiliarity isn’t such a bad thing. In a healthy context, it is actually safety.

This last year, we both got angry less and had squabbles a lot less, not because there weren’t reasons too, but because we seemed to have learnt each other to some degree that makes room for passes without exchanges.

Nelson picked my chargers from the side of the bed without drawing my attention to it, he took down the cup I left in the room without so much as a word, he didn’t get mad when I called him from downstairs to kill a spider, he moved my hair accessories to my side of the bathroom shelf without my knowledge, he wasn’t surprised when he played a popular song and I didn’t know who.

On the other hand, I didn’t wait for a thank you after I changed his towels, I locked the door when I found it open after he came in, I called the laundry to book his ironing without his knowledge, I sorted out family travel details without asking for his involvement and I stopped going off when he would opt to watch violent or action movies.

These things didn’t stop to irk either of us, we just learnt to address it without a fight. While we wait and hope for the other to change and adjust, it’s okay for peace to exist on the way to transformation, but again, a knowledge that you’ll only accept with time.

Having guests and family around, round the year seemed to help in subtle ways I still can’t articulate. We had to be a stronger unit for the third parties that were constantly around, not in a way of feigning or acting unity, but to communicate “no room to get between us”, even if we had no fear of this with the family and friends we have. And it’s interesting because before marriage I read a devotional from Lisa Bevere, where she said “an underrated hack to a thriving marriage is hosting, invite people into your space”.

With the season, came a lot of people in our home for visits and like I explained above, having people around triggers your mind to cover your spouse and stand together, I saw it on full display this year.

Needless to say, most worthy of mention, year 4 met us as 4! And boiiiiiiiii! What a ride!

Absolutely nothing will prepare you to see the man you love father children God gives you both. 

Navigating parenthood with Nelson this last year exposed us to new possibilities, new challenges and new opportunities, ones we most definitely will be unfolding and navigating in the coming years, seeing how…. Permanent children are, haha.

I absolutely love just how familiar we’ve become, but more so, how much more we can predict each other. 

In conclusion, our lesson for this year is “the safety of predictability” .

You’re welcome to check out memoirs from last year and the years before!

Glory to Jesus for this place we stand.